


yours, always

by dearlyuta



Series: aftermath — heartbreaks [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Exes, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, Yukhei is only mentioned in the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 07:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17893856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearlyuta/pseuds/dearlyuta
Summary: Jeno has always known that they're over. That no matter what happens, they'll never fall back together.(But his heart never really knew when to quit when it comes to Jaemin.)





	yours, always

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, i never knew i would get to finish this story but i'm really happy that i did! please ignore any errors you might come across since i haven't proofread this yet. enjoy reading!

Jeno and Jaemin's break up wasn't as dramatic as anyone would expect it to be.

As much as it's painful for Jeno to admit it to himself, he thinks that they're better off as friends. He didn't want to talk about it but they did have moments when there's something completely off about their relationship, a little _too_ broken for them to push themselves into. At times, Jeno feels like they aren't at the same page — they clash too often and their personalities are much different than what they both expected. Their fights didn't blow up into screaming tones but their voices are constantly laced with endless anger; their tones strangled as they argue in hushed whispers before one of them explodes, leaving the room in tears.

Jeno can't deny that he loves Jaemin though.

He _loves_ him.

It's kind of love that all-consuming for him; throat closing up with his fingers quivering in nervousness as he searches for the right words to say. He always seems to let the wrong words drag themselves past his pair, resulting in making Jaemin tear up in anger and sadness.

He hated that.

He hated the way Jaemin would step back when Jeno delivers a harsh insult, stepping right out of line. He hated the way Jaemin would stare at him, the light slowly fading from his usual starry eyes whilst he swallows the invisible lump that settled in his throat. He hated the way Jaemin would fall silent right after, a quiet whisper of _I need to go_ before he spins on his heel, leaving Jeno behind as the tears run down the curves of his cheeks.

It happened too often that Jeno had resolved to shut down after that.

On that dreaded night, he had gently circled his fingers around Jaemin's wrist when they were silently walking down the street right after a date. Jeno wasn't sure if he could call it as a date since Jaemin was fuming when he arrived at the restaurant and Jeno's mood worsened; their dinner was nothing short of tense and awkward. The silence echoed between them and every word that slipped by their lips is tightly wrapped in a tone resembling mockery and anger. Jeno didn't like that the dull chatter of the other guests in the restaurant, paired with the clatter of utensils against the plates and bowls, are the only sounds that he heard during their date. But he couldn't find it in himself to say anything else to Jaemin, too afraid and drained out already.

Until now, that is.

Jaemin was taken aback when he felt Jeno's icy fingers around his wrist but he was quick to erase the remnants of shock on his expression. They stood wordlessly at the empty sidewalk, gazes flickering elsewhere before Jeno's eyes softened as he fixated his stare on his boyfriend. He stepped closer, voice coming out forlorn and disheartened.

"We need to talk."

The younger boy stared at him for a heartbeat too long before his expression eventually settled into something that resembles an eternity's worth of sadness. The subtle nod of his head was enough for Jeno to pull him along to the direction of their shared apartment, his heart thundering beneath his chest. The rush of blood pounded too loudly, making him lose himself in a swirl of thoughts and emotions.

He didn't even realize that he had already dropped Jaemin's hand.

Their apartment felt emptier, colder as they took their respective seats on the couch. They didn't curl up next to each other, snuggling for warmth because really, they know that it was useless at this point. They've been running in circles, tricking themselves that they had _more time, more time, just a little bit more time._

They were running on borrowed time for so long; the taunting sound of the ticks on the clock that resounded within their apartment was a constant reminder of them falling apart slowly.

Jeno wasn't sure what he was expecting out of that talk — no matter how many times he rehearsed his words in his head, he was still rendered speechless. But even if the memories felt more like a rushed blur, he distinctively remembered the feeling of Jaemin's warm hand covering his own. The way their fingers naturally entwined but Jeno never tightened his grip on his hand; perhaps it's because he knew he'll have to let him go at the end of the day.

He wasn't sure if he could handle letting him go that way.

"We're not going to work out, are we?" Jaemin forced his voice to be light and carefree but the older boy could hear the obvious falter at the end of his question. He gazed at Jeno with so much sadness hiding in the brown specks of his eyes, unable to bury the heaviness residing within his chest. Jeno can even remember the way Jaemin's thumb caressed against his knuckles and it hurts.

It still hurts to remember.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Jaemin breathed out a shaky sigh, lips twitching into a saddened smile. "It's out of our hands now. We're not just meant to be."

Three years. Three years before they both realized that they're not meant to be.

 _Pathetic,_ Jeno scolded himself, ignoring the pain pounding in his chest as his heart stirred right out of control. _So fucking pathetic._

"Thank you for everything, Nana."

He could see the glimmer of misery flickering in Jaemin's deep brown eyes before he cracked a broken smile. He gave Jeno's hand a gentle squeeze, fingers slipping right out of his grip before they fell on his lap. Upon closer inspection, Jeno could see the tears clinging onto his lashes as he stared at the floor, avoiding the older boy's intense gaze on him.

"This is it." His voice was barely above a whisper, fingers digging onto the material of his jeans. With another sigh, he straightened his posture with a forced smile clinging on the edges of his mouth, turning his attention to Jeno with a tilt of his head. He repeated his words, as if he was forcing the idea of them breaking up for real sink in deep. "This is it. This is the end."

"We can still be friends?" The words came past Jeno's lips in a form of a question and Jaemin curls one of the corners of his lips into a soft smile. He shrugged his shoulders before he stood up, hiding the way his body tensed up for a moment.

"Maybe." He hesitated for a stretch of a heartbeat, eyes falling shut before his feet directed him to their bedroom door. His eyes were downcast and he was too far away now for Jeno to see the crestfallen expression painted on his visage. "I'll pack my things first."

Jeno couldn't remember how long Jaemin stayed in their bedroom but it must have been hours. He could hear him sniffling softly first before he erupted into a sobbing mess, the cries stuck in his throat.

It was heartbreaking to listen to the sound of him trying to muffle the sound of his cries, his breath getting stolen away every time he tried to bring air to his lungs.

He came out hours later, dressed up in warm clothes and pulling on a suitcase. Jeno quietly followed him to the door, brown eyes brimming with unshed tears. He didn't want to break down — he might end up regretting his decision of asking Jaemin to break up even if it was mutual. As much as possible, he wanted to cut every string that was connecting them as a couple; at that moment, it felt like the best decision for them.

Jaemin stood by the door, suitcase rolled up at his side. Tears have already slid down his cheeks but he made quick work to wipe them away with the back of his hand, a nervous laugh falling from his lips.

He paused for a moment before he softly said, "I'll miss you, Jen."

"I'll miss you too."

His answer seemed to be enough for Jaemin since a sincere smile finally curved on his lips. The corners of his eyes crinkled in genuine happiness for a moment before everything swiftly faded away, leaving him with teary eyes and bottom lip quivering slightly as his teeth caught onto it. A whimper left his lips as he turned around to avoid Jeno's stare, fingers circling around the silver knob before he stepped out.

The gentle sound of the door shutting close and the quiet click of the lock resonated within the apartment. The reticence echoed all around, reminding Jeno that it's over. It's finally over, just like they both wanted.

Jeno finally allowed himself to crack. Even a little bit.

He didn't know how many nights he spent on the couch afterwards, sobbing recklessly on it. He didn't have the heart to find his way to the bedroom, afraid to let his gaze take in the sight of the neatly made bed, signaling him that he's all alone now. That he'll never get to come back home to Jaemin's arms anymore, feel the way his lips curl up into a smile whenever they kiss softly, gently.

He doesn't want to keep shifting through his memory to pull that scene out over and over again; it's difficult to relieve the way the wind embraced their bodies in a freezing embrace. It's difficult to relieve the way Jaemin stared at him throughout, a constant stream of sadness until the moment they separated at the door of the apartment.

But Jeno thinks that it's useless to relieve that pain repeatedly because now, they have a better relationship. They're friends again and Jeno wants to indulge himself in the false sense of security that they don't have anything to worry now. It doesn't matter to him that this lull of security would eventually fade in the near future since at one moment, their feelings would come crashing against their walls.

But as Jeno holds Jaemin again, a lighthearted laugh falling from his lips as the words _how are you_ slip past them, he ignores the anxiety settling deep within his bones. He doesn't have anything to worry now. They're all right now.

Jeno and Jaemin are friends now.

Isn't that right?

-

Jeno quietly nurses the alcoholic drink in front of him. He lets the liquid slide down his throat; the burn is satisfying and sends shivers down his spine. He takes in the scene in front of him — the club is crowded with the bass sound surrounding in every corner. The songs are too loud for him so he lets everyone else settle in the dance floor without him.

One of the corners of his mouth curve upwards to resemble a half smile as he watches his friends dance the night away with careless laughs spilling from their lips. Renjun and Donghyuck have been his best friends since they were much younger and they've stuck through thin and thick; he knows that they're the people that he'll never let go, no matter what. Jaemin is the one who joined their little group in high school and he fit so nicely, _so_ perfectly.

Jeno has always admired the way Jaemin can blend into a scene without breaking a sweat but at the same time, he stands out amidst the people around him. When their paths crossed back in high school, Jeno could have easily written him off as his classmate but Jaemin was too charming, too lovely for him to ignore completely. And maybe he doesn't regret the way he couldn't bite back his smile when Jaemin sat next to him, holding out a hand to introduce himself.

 _My name is Jaemin_ , he can still hear the honey dripping from the edge of Jaemin's voice as he flashed a dazzling smile at him. _What's yours?_

Jeno has never stopped thinking about how pretty his name sounded. It's still pretty, a lullaby that he never thought he would love falling asleep to every night. As he watches Jaemin walk up to a girl at the bar, a laugh falling from his lips as he extends a hand at her, Jeno's stomach tightens in discomfort. He briefly wonders if the girl would say his name in the sweetest tone there is, if it still sounds like a lullaby if someone else says his name.

 _It's not my business_ , Jeno grits his teeth as he downs his drink again, head spinning as a wave of relief hits his bones. He shuts his eyes tightly, drowning out the sounds of the bass echoing in the club, combined with the excited chatters around him. _I don't care about him like that anymore._

"Jen!" Renjun bounces over to him, lips stretched into a grin as Donghyuck trails right behind him. "We're going to head home now. Do you need a ride?"

Jeno waves a hand at him dismissively, a smile easily tugging on the edges of his mouth. "I'm fine, I'll just walk so I can sober up."

The couple both exchange a quick look, the flashing lights illuminating the worry and doubt written all over their expression. Donghyuck reaches over to give a gentle squeeze to Renjun's arm with a small, reassuring smile before he directs his attention to Jeno, wearing a bright grin. "Okay, Jen. Stay safe! We're off now."

"I'll see you tomorrow." Jeno curls his lips into a genuine smile, carefully watching as Renjun and Donghyuck give him another wave before they lead themselves to the exit. He's too exhausted to keep track of their movements so he goes back to his drink, downing another shot before he drops the glass on the table with a light thud. He rests his back against the cushioned booth, eyes flickering over to the bar.

To his astonishment, the girl is sitting alone again in the bar, nursing her drink. A frown draws itself on his lips as he pushes himself to lean closer, eyes squinted slightly to take a better look when a hand clasps down on his shoulder. He jumps in surprise, heart beating wildly beneath his rib cage as Jaemin inclines his head at him with a mischievous smile.

"Hey, scaredy cat." Jaemin snickers as he playfully runs a hand through Jeno's dark hair, tangling the strands around his fingers and messing up his hairstyle. He gently lays his hand on his back, quietly rubbing it in hopes of soothing him down.

With Jaemin so close to him like this, he forgot how pretty he is. His heart stirs right out of control when his gaze drops to his rosy pair, wanting to lean closer and kiss him senselessly like he used to do before.

But he can't. He can't do that anymore.

"Are you ready to head home now?"

Jeno blinks up at him, throat closing up as his gaze darts over to the same girl. He wants to ask why he wasn't with the girl, why he's with Jeno instead. He wants to ask why he's choosing to go home with Jeno instead of anyone else in this club.

But he keeps his lips sealed, gaze flickering to the table littered with drinks. He doesn't want to think too much about this; he might confuse himself and ruin his heart residing in his chest even more. He lifts his gaze up at Jaemin, a wry smile on his lips as he nods his head slowly.

"Sure."

-

The breeze is chilling, sending goosebumps down Jeno's body as he tightens his hold around his coat. He casts a glance at Jaemin and he sees the brown haired male with his head hung low, gaze fixated on the ground. Strangely enough, despite the white noise echoing around them as cars and people rushed past them, it didn't reach them. The atmosphere between them is quiet yet heavy, as if there's too many unsaid words hanging over their heads.

Both of them are walking side by side and yet, Jaemin feels too far away. Jeno's eyes flicker over to their sides, eyeing the way their fingers almost brush against each other. With the remnants of courage still buried in his chest, he lets himself step closer to let their fingers brush even the slightest.

They would have held hands already if Jaemin didn't step away.

He must have noticed how close they are, his body tensing up as he hurries his pace with clenched teeth. Jeno feels his heart drop straight to his feet, tears starting to cling to his lashes as Jaemin lets his gaze sweep over to him for a moment. A hesitant smile curves itself on his lips as he tries to keep his voice light and carefree, gesturing to Jeno to come closer.

"Come on, you slowpoke. Your apartment is near already."

Jaemin turns around again, his steps are light as he walks in the direction of the apartment building. Jeno falls behind, blinking rapidly to clear his vision and he can slowly see how farther Jaemin is with every step he takes away from him. He wants to pretend that it doesn't hurt but it does.

He doesn't know if he'll always feel like this.

"Hey!" Jaemin whips around, his eyebrow arched as he gestures Jeno to walk faster, pointing to his wristwatch with a laugh pulling itself past his lips. Even with the distance between them, Jeno can hear how melodious, beautiful it is. His heart soars at the sound of it, a smile tugging on the edges of his mouth as he nods his head.

"Wait up." Jeno calls out as he quickens his pace, reaching Jaemin's side easily with a few, large strides. Jaemin laughs again, eyes crinkling in happiness as he gently lets their bodies bump clumsily against each other.

They've always been like this before they started dating. They're a mischievous pair and Jeno can't remember a time in his life when Jaemin didn't jump on the opportunity to create trouble with him. Even though the university they used to attend had an image of Jaemin being a perfect model student, he was always sneaking away to stir up trouble with Donghyuck, Renjun, and Jeno.

They've always been close like this.

But right now, despite them falling into step with their bodies closer than ever, Jeno still felt the distance between them. Even as their fingers brush with every swing of their hands, Jeno doesn't indulge himself in it. He doesn't want to pull them into an uncomfortable situation.

He doesn't want to scare away Jaemin.

"We're here," Jeno says out loud, halting his steps in front of the building. His fingers are freezing so he slips them in the pockets of his heavy coat, eyes flickering over to Jaemin. He shifts from one foot to another as Jaemin quietly takes in the sight of his building, lips twitching into a momentary smile before it drops away without another second to waste.

"I'll walk you up to your apartment."

"Oh no, that's okay!" Jeno holds out his hands in front of him, shaking his head quickly with a reassuring smile curled on his lips. "I don't want to be an inconvenience to you." His voice falters at his own words, his stare fixating itself on the ground instead as he scruffs his shoes against on the asphalt.

Jaemin gazes at him long and hard, voice coming out softer and gentler than Jeno had ever expected from him, "You're never a bother for me, Jeno. You know that."

They stay still, bodies frozen in shock. When Jeno lifts his gaze from the floor, he's caught breathless when Jaemin looks taken aback at the sound of his own words that slipped by his pair. Jeno parts his lips, wanting to say anything but all he drags past the tip of his tongue is a muffled sigh. He swallows the sound almost immediately but with the way Jaemin's eyes soften slightly at him, he knows that the other boy heard him loud and clear.

"I, uh," Jaemin raises a hand to rub the nape of his neck, a sheepish smile gracing his mouth as he steps away. Jeno ignores the way his stomach clenches uncomfortably at the growing distance between them again. "I don't want to intrude so if you're uncomfortable with the idea then it's fine. I won't push you."

Jeno's shoulders loosen up as he relaxes visibly, nodding his head slowly, "Thanks, Jaem."

The mentioned male winces at the slip of nickname that escaped Jeno's lips, his face scrunching up. There's a brief flicker of sadness in his features before he sports on a bright smile so swiftly that Jeno thinks that he's imagining things once again.

"It's no problem." He quietly whispers before he echoes his words again with a laugh in between. "It's definitely not a problem. I'll see you around, right?"

"Right."

They linger for a stretch of a heartbeat; Jeno's teeth catches onto his bottom lip whilst Jaemin gazes at the ground for too long. They're fighting the urge to say goodbye first, based on the way their gazes keep on flickering back on each other before their eyes settle on anything else around them.

Jaemin heaves a deep sigh, pocketing his hands in his jacket with a wry smile on his lips. "Good night, Jeno."

The dark haired boy feels his breath hitch upon hearing the greeting. He's reluctant to spill any word past his pair but soon, his shoulders drop as he nods his head. "Good night, Jaemin." He lifts a hand to give him a friendly wave, paired with a sweet smile shot at his direction. Jaemin hesitates before he returns the gesture wholeheartedly, his eyes crinkling in happiness before he continues down the road.

Jeno watches him as he walks farther away, the distance growing with each step he takes. He wants to chase after him, talk to him even more but he's frozen in his spot with his heart stuck in his throat. As quietly as possible, he makes his way to his apartment with his head hanging low. His chest feels heavier than the usual knotted feelings hiding in his rib cage but he does his best to ignore it as much as he can.

When he slips right into his apartment, the silence echoed louder than before. There's a strike of pain coursing through his body, from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He wishes that sleep would come easily to his drained body as he staggers his way to his bedroom, falling right into his bed. He curls up with his head pounding painfully, clutching a pillow close to him.

Sleep does come easy to him that night.

It's no longer a surprise to him when he dreams of Jaemin smiling at him, laughing so carelessly with his head thrown back. His chest feels light at the memories dragging themselves in his head, swirling around so much that he doesn't know what's the difference between dreams and reality anymore.

But he can't deny that his chest feels absolutely warm — his heart lulling itself into a peaceful lullaby.

-

A sigh falls from his lips as he steps inside the café, the warmth enveloping his frame all too easily. He inclines his head, gazing at the other customers with a frown already starting to crease on the corners of his lips.

"Jeno!" A familiar voice rings through the air, stealing Jeno's attention away from the counter. A relieved smile graces his lips as he sees Renjun clutching a cup of coffee in his hand, lifting a hand to wave at him. He heads over to him with a bright smile, settling onto the chair in front of him as Renjun passes another cup filled with fresh coffee.

"Thanks for coming by. I know how busy you are nowadays." Renjun spares him an apologetic glance, which Jeno dismisses with a wave of his hand. He takes a sip from his coffee, feeling his chest burst with warmth as the liquid slides down his throat.

"It's fine," He shrugs his shoulders lightly with a grin lingering on the edges of his mouth, "You've been busy too, aren't you? How did your apartment hunting with Hyuck go?"

Renjun lights up, his starry eyes turning brighter than ever. "It's great! We have a lot of choices so we might take some time to decide about it. But I'm really excited, you know?" Jeno slowly softens up at the sight of Renjun so elated like this; any mention about his boyfriend never fails to lighten him up like the stars in the sky. It's such an endearing sight to see his two best friends so blissful together, like they've finally found their happy ending together.

"I'm surprised that you guys are only starting to getting an apartment together now. You've been together since high school and that's a long time already." Jeno quietly mentions, swirling the coffee in his cup using his straw.

The older boy rolls his eyes playfully, tugging a smile on his pair. "Oh, please. It feels like I've been living with Hyuck for so long since he stays at my apartment a lot. He's so clingy sometimes."

"You're literally the same when it comes to him." Jeno swiftly moves his leg just when Renjun tries to deliver a kick at him. He sticks out his tongue childishly whilst the older boy narrows his eyes at him to resemble a glare. Soon enough, they burst into resounding laughter; the sound bounces off the glass walls of the café and drowning out any dull conversations circling around them.

Renjun relaxes in his seat, running the pad of his thumb against the tip of his straw. He casts a solemn look at Jeno, a worried frown is already beginning to curl on his lips.

"What about you? How have you been holding up?"

Jeno feels the smile slip away from his lips, his shoulders slumping as he stares down on the wooden table. He falls silent right after that, throat closed up as the words lay unsaid on the tip of his tongue. He wants to say that he's fine, that his friends have nothing to worry about but he can't. He doesn't know why but he really can't seem to do it.

"I think," He pauses, contemplating on his next words as he pursues his lips into a straight line. He raises his gaze to Renjun's expression, his eyes turning sad even though he tries his hardest to curve his mouth into a bright smile. "I think I'm holding up fine."

"Really?" Renjun stares at him with a skeptical glance, eyes sweeping over his figure to gouge out the emotions that's running through his veins. Jeno uncomfortably shifts in his seat, too aware of the way Renjun is quietly pulling him apart by taking notice of the little details written on his visage — the way his lips drop into a momentary frown before lifting the edges up into a grin again. The way his eyes have lost their usual light; the brightness turning dimmer as each second passes by.

Those details will never go unnoticed when it comes to Jeno.

"Jaemin."

The name that spills from his lips earns a suspicious look from Renjun. He arches a brow, seemingly confused at the short answer before a flicker of understanding passes through the brown specks of his eyes. He visibly softens as he reaches out to hold Jeno's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before he pulls away at the last second.

"Did something happen?"

Jeno scoffs, shoes hitting the linoleum with a deep frown. "I wish. But unfortunately, it's nothing."

"Nothing?" Renjun questions out loud, the flicker of worry and confusion passing through his dark eyes. Jeno pursues his lips into a thin line, drawing his attention to the wooden surface of the table with an inaudible sigh pulling itself past his pair. He lightly taps his fingers on it, not knowing how to answer the question.

"Jun?" His voice unknowingly drops to a whisper and for a second, Renjun can see the crestfallen expression that took over his features before the younger boy manages to wipe it away with a lingering frown. He stays still before he leans in close, making sure that Jeno doesn't feel too uncomfortable; he doesn't want his best friend to shut himself down like the time he broke up with Jaemin.

"Yeah?"

Jeno hesitates, teeth sinking onto his lower lip. The tone of his voice comes out softer, gentler yet shakier than one would expect. "Is it idiotic that I still like Jaemin after everything that happened?" He winces, shaking his head before the spark his eyes turn dim amidst the bright lights surrounding them. "No, I don't mean that I like him. I... think I still _love_ him."

They fall into a stretch of a silence as Renjun carefully lifts his gaze, searching every expression that crosses Jeno's features. All he can is the sadness desperately hiding beneath his visage — the way the corners of his lips would curve downwards into a frown, the slight twitch of his nose, the way his usual starry eyes appear so dark and dim as if the light has left his existence already.

He looks _so_ disheartened, _so_ heartbroken. It's as if Renjun was seeing him the first time he went into Jeno's apartment, shaking body curled on the couch while he sobbed his heart out. He could never get that image of Jeno out of his head; he has never seen Jeno looked so beat down and hopeless before until Donghyuck and him rushed to his apartment to check up on him. He never knew he would see him again like this and the reason stays all the same: Na Jaemin.

"Jeno—"

"It's stupid, right?" Jeno emits a laugh, cutting him off without a warning at all. The laughter dies all too easily, his hands curling into fists as he fixates his gaze on the table. His nails unconsciously dig onto the skin of his palm, leaving behind crescent marks as he tries to calm down the erratic beating of his heart. "I'm so idiotic. Jaemin deserves better."

Renjun's teeth catches onto his bottom lip, his eyes turning sadder than ever. "Don't say that."

"But it's the truth." Jeno interjects with so much bitterness in his voice that he fails to keep his tone light and carefree, like he's been trying to do for the past two years.

 _Right_ , it's been two years. He should get over Jaemin already — he looks so awfully happy for once and Jeno doesn't want to take that away from him. He's only going to ruin him and leave him scarred, like the first time they broke each other's hearts. He can't afford to lose Jaemin all over again; it hurts too much to even think of that kind of possibility.

"He's happy without me." His breath comes out shaky despite the amount of effort he attempted to put in making his voice as steady as possible. He clears his throat and focuses his line of sight on the coffee, instead of the piercing gaze that Renjun has pinned down on him.

"You know that's not true." Renjun's voice comes out stern and angry, effectively snatching Jeno's attention from the table. He lifts his eyes and he sees the way Renjun's features slowly soften with a saddened frown curved on the edges of his mouth. "You and Nana might not be together anymore but he does love you. He always will and you know that."

Jeno winces at the sound of his words, his stare dropping back down on the table. It's utterly difficult to swallow the lump residing in his throat as he quietly crushes the cup slightly, making the liquid rise to nearly more than half of the container. He releases his hold on it, dragging a sigh past his pair.

Renjun might be right — Jaemin did promise him years ago that he will always love Jeno, no matter what happens to them. That even if at one point, they have to let go of each other, Jaemin's heart will always finds its home in his hands.

"Maybe." Jeno smiles at the older male wryly, his gaze flickering to the glass window right beside them.

All he hopes is that Renjun is right all along.

-

"Where are you taking me?" Jeno elicited a laugh despite the fact his heart is beating right out of control beneath his chest. The darkness continued to cover his vision because of Jaemin's hands clamped over his eyes.

"Now, it wouldn't be fun if I told you." Jaemin's voice turned into a singsong tone, clearly filled with mischief. The older boy only huffed in reply, not liking the set up of Jaemin dragging him right after school to visit somewhere stunning; when they got off the bus earlier, Jaemin had been nothing but persistent in covering his eyes as to not ruin the surprise.

"Is it still a long way to go?"

"No." Jaemin's voice had always been sweet and confident, like he knew exactly what he was doing but right now, Jeno could hear the slight twinge of nervousness burying itself underneath. He could feel the anxiety twisting in his stomach as he carefully listened to the sound of their footsteps falling in sync, the dull sound of conversations around them have started to fade away. He wanted to ask again but he fell into a stunned silence instead when the familiar sound of ocean waves crashing against each other echoed all around him.

"Jaem, are we—"

He could feel Jaemin stopping for a moment before he softly replied, "We're here." With a flourish, he pulled his hands away from Jeno's eyes, exposing him to the breathtaking sight of the beach stretched out in front of him. He blinked rapidly, his eyes focusing at the way the rosy pink light spreads out right above him as the sun began to set, highlighting the streaks of beauty across the vast sky. The ocean fell into a calming scenery and Jeno wondered briefly if he was dreaming.

"Remember what you said back in high school?" Jaemin took a step forward, feet sinking into the sand. A smile curled on his lips as he pocketed his hands in his jeans, eyes crinkling in happiness. "You said that you wanted to go the beach with me because you've always thought that it would be fun."

Jeno could feel the blush rise to his cheeks, eyes widening in surprise. "You remembered that?"

"Of course I did," Jaemin flashed a smug smile at him, taking a step closer before he settled right in front of him. "It's not every day when Lee Jeno tells you that he wants to go on a spontaneous beach trip with you."

His features softened into a smile as he took out his hands from his pockets, reaching out to delicately cup Jeno's cheeks. His thumb caressed the curves of his cheeks, quietly admiring the way the blush looks so awfully pretty underneath the pink skies.

"You've just been so stressed out lately and I," Jaemin paused to take a moment to collect his thoughts, forcing them to string themselves into a coherent trail. The red tint colored itself on his cheeks, a pretty shade blending in so well. "I wanted to make your day a little better. You deserve so much, do you know that?"

Jeno couldn't deny that his heart fell out of control in his chest. He had only been dating Jaemin for six months and yet, Jaemin had never failed to take his breath away like this. They've been friends for so long but it's only now that Jeno could wholeheartedly acknowledge the feelings bursting in his veins.

"I feel like I don't even deserve someone as amazing as you are."

Jaemin's brow knitted themselves before he shook his head abruptly, wrinkling his nose. "Don't say that. You deserve everything good in this world and well, the universe did decide that I'm good enough for you."

"Well," Jeno allowed a grin grace his lips as he leaned forward, gently pressing his lips against Jaemin's for a tender kiss. He pulled away right after, a smile lingering on the edges of his mouth. "I do admit that I have to thank the universe for leading me to the best person in the world and making me fall madly in love with him."

The younger boy lightened up, his eyes turning starry and Jeno wants to see him like this for an eternity — so, _so_ happy. Jaemin leaned forward, stealing another kiss from his lips with a melodious laugh spilling from his rosy pair. "Did I ever tell you that I love you? Because I do. I love you so much."

"You just did," Jeno emits a lighthearted chuckle, arms looping around the other boy's lithe waist. He tugged him as close as he can with a breathless laugh falling from his lips, eyes brighter than ever.

Jaemin faltered for a moment before he wrapped his arms around Jeno's neck. If Jeno was speaking honestly, he had never seen Jaemin look so bright before until that very moment — he never wanted to freeze a second so bad before.

"Don't forget that I'll always love you, no matter what." The words came out soft, gentle as Jaemin laid his forehead against his with a contented sigh. Their bodies were comfortably pressed up against each other, the warmth traveling through their veins so easily. "Even if for some reason we end up going on our separate ways, I'm sure my heart will always find its way back to you. I don't mind that though."

Jeno emitted a laugh, lips finding their way to lay a kiss on Jaemin's cheek. "Really?"

"Really!" He nodded his head before he burst into a fit of chortles, the sound slipping past his lips was awfully beautiful. Jeno wanted to hear that kind of sound for the rest of eternity. "I love you so much."

Jeno could never deny the way his heart skipped a beat beneath his chest, lips drawn into a smile.

"I love you too."

-

Jeno isn't quite sure what he feels for Jaemin.

He wants to say that he's over him already, that he's absolutely fine with there's someone else who would be able to stir Jaemin's heart out of control. He wants to say that he's truly elated that he's going to find his happiness in someone else. That he won't find his happiness in Jeno anymore.

He wants to say that he's undeniably fine with it, with everything that's happening to them.

But as he sits right in front of him in Jaemin's apartment, his throat closes up and his fingers twitch beneath the table. Jaemin is gazing at him with starry eyes, a smile gracing his lips. It's been so long since he has seen Jaemin incredibly happy like this and it hurts. It hurts that he's no longer the reason behind it anymore.

Jaemin had called him up almost near midnight, voice tinted with a hint of excitement yet worry is evident in his tone.

"Hey, Jen? Did I wake you up?"

"No," Jeno suppressed a yawn from escaping his lips, rubbing the heel of his hand against his eyes to rub away the sleepiness. "Why? Did something happen?"

"I know it sounds like an abrupt request and I would understand it if you'd rather go to bed instead but I really need advice." His voice faltered before his tone shifted to something that resembled embarrassment. "It would be better if we could meet up?"

"Sure, I'll head over there."

Jaemin squealed at that, clearly elated that Jeno easily took up the offer extended to him. He didn't have the guts to tell him that he'll do anything to make Jaemin happy — even if he has to lose hours of sleep, listening to Jaemin drone on about another boy that he likes. A boy that isn't named Lee Jeno.

"What?" His voice comes out as a whisper, his dark eyes settled on his friend. Jaemin tilts his head, leaning against the edge with the bright smile fixated on his face. The younger boy has been excited since Jeno stepped right into his apartment but it's only now that Jeno has seen the way his entire existence is radiating. He looks much more delighted and somehow, it's a difficult pill to swallow; it's difficult to see that someone else can make Jaemin _this_ happy.

"I know it might sound odd but you're the closest person to me," Jaemin gives him a pleading look, eyes widening. Jeno bites back the wince at the sound of his words, schooling his expression into a neutral one. The younger male heaves a sigh, hanging his head low as he drags the tip of his finger against the surface. "Your opinion means a lot to me."

"Really?" Jeno can't hide the surprise in his tone, making him clear his throat as he glances down on the table as well. Jaemin emits a laugh, nodding his head despite the fact that Jeno isn't facing him properly.

"Of course, you're my best friend."

Jeno's eyes fall shut, his throat parched. The pain runs through his veins and it takes everything in him to ignore the way the anxiety clenches in his stomach.

Best friend. Of course, they're best friends.

They've always been like that.

"I really like him, Jeno." Jaemin's voice comes out softer, gentler, startling the other male. The dark haired boy stiffens up, unable to hide the hurtful expression that crosses his features but gratefully, Jaemin didn't see it due to the way his head is hung low with his stare fixated on the table.

"His name is Yukhei and he's a co-worker of mine," The brown haired male elicits a shy laugh and when Jeno steals a glance at him, he can see the dust of a blush on his cheeks. "We've gone on a few dates and I don't know, I'm wondering if I should take things to the next level."

"Oh." Jeno doesn't know what to say. What is he supposed to say in this kind of situation? Sure, he did ask to be friends with Jaemin again but he never realized he would land in this kind of scenario — they're exes, for god's sake. Does Jaemin think that he has already moved on from their break up?

 _Of course, it's been two years_ , Jeno scolds himself lightly, teeth gritting. _You should have tried to move on already._

"Am I rushing into this?" Jaemin worries his bottom lip between his teeth, the flicker of concern passing through his dark eyes. "Do you think he likes me back?"

"Who wouldn't like you back?" Jeno doesn't realize what he's saying but the words lay heavy on the tip of his tongue, begging to slip past his lips. It feels right to let those words be heard by the boy sitting in front of him. "You're amazing, Nana. He would be an idiot if he doesn't like you back."

The laugh that leaves Jaemin's lips sounds bashful and shy as he hangs his head again, covering his reddened cheeks with his hands. Jeno thinks that he looks awfully pretty like that — he didn't know how much he missed seeing Jaemin so flustered like this. The sight still makes his heart swirl right out of control, tipping right onto his feet without too much effort.

"Flattery isn't going to work for you, Lee Jeno."

The mentioned male curls his lips into a playful smirk, a glimmer of mischief is brightly lit in his brown eyes. "It isn't flattery. It's the truth."

Jaemin's cheeks go flushed, teeth catching onto his bottom lip. Though he tries to stop the smile from curling on his mouth, his starry eyes turn brighter than ever. Jeno misses him like that; he misses them like this. He wants to be able to hold out his hands and cup the other boy's cheeks as delicately as possible before he leaves a lingering kiss on his forehead. He feels the urge to be affectionate towards him but he holds himself back in time, burying the emotions that are threatening to explode in his chest.

"Thank you, Jeno." His voice is filled with sincere gratitude as he gazes the dark haired male with the sweetest smile. "I knew I could count on you."

Jeno swallows the hurt, burning his emotions and burying it in the spaces of his rib cage. It's not the time to bring up what he feels — Jaemin's feelings and thoughts are more important for him. He'll do anything to make him happy, even if it's painful to hear the truth that Jaemin has already let go of him.

"It's no problem, Jaem. I'll always be here for you."

_No matter what happens._

-

Jeno stares at the snowy ground for too long, barely noticing the way the cold wind wraps him up in a tight embrace. The snow is already starting to melt due to the warm weather already making its way with a new season but for today, Jeno still gets to enjoy the coldness that makes his teeth chatter. His foot reaches out, toes digging against the snow as he drags it around, creating a half circle in front of him.

The memory hits him in the gut, forcing him to shut his eyes tight as he reminisces every detail. He remembers how cold the winter days are but his chest has always felt so warm because his boyfriend was around. He still distinctively remember the way Jaemin would throw his head back with a laugh spilling from his lips when he successfully throws a poorly made snowball at the older boy. He remembers the way he would gasp and yell when Jeno chases him around the park, hauling snowballs at his direction before the older boy catches up to him. They would fall back on the snowy ground, eyes fixated on the dusty, vast sky spread out in front of them.

He remembers how Jaemin would whisper a wish every time a snowflake lands on them. He remembers how Jaemin wished hard for them to stay together for as long as time will allow and how he reached out to hold his hand, promising Jaemin that he'll stay for an eternity if he could.

"Stupid," Jeno whispers to himself, voice heavily tinted with sadness. He pockets his hands in his long coat, head hung low. He wants to move on already but he keeps getting dragged back to Jaemin — it's as if fate is telling him to stay, stay a little more and love him even more.

He would be more than willing to love Jaemin for as long as time will allow. If only he wasn't set on wanting to date someone new.

"A coffee for your thoughts?" Jeno lifts his head too fast, forehead knocking against the intruder's. The pain barely registers because the surprise of seeing Donghyuck around outweighs all other emotions rushing through his veins as of the moment. He blinks rapidly, not believe the sight of his best friend in front of him.

"Hyuck?"

"Oh, wow, no apology at all?" The younger male heaves a deep, exaggerated sigh, shaking his head afterwards. He holds one of the cups against his chest, clicking his tongue in disappointment. "You don't deserve this coffee."

"Oh, come on. It _is_ your fault that you sneaked up on me," Jeno mutters, kicking some snow at the other's direction. His eyes glimmer with mischief after, a smile tugging on the edges of his mouth. "And I believe the right expression for that is penny for your thoughts?"

"I knew that, idiot. I was making a pun." The other boy rolls his eyes but still, he holds out his arm to extend the coffee to Jeno. The older male gratefully accepts it with two hands, warming his fingers up at the warmth radiating from the cup. A sigh of relief falls from his lips as he brings the edge of the cup of his lips, taking a small sip and feeling the liquid slide down his throat.

"Thanks."

"No problem." Donghyuck steals a glance at the nearby bench before he inclines his head at the direction of it. Jeno nods his head and follows his lead, plopping right down on it whilst Donghyuck gratefully sits right beside him, stretching out his legs with a pained grunt.

"I've been walking all day long, I'm so tired." The younger male rests his head on Jeno's shoulder, snuggling close to his side. Jeno suppresses a smile, gently tapping the top of his head before he lets Donghyuck cling to him while he sips his coffee peacefully. They both fall silent, watching the snowflakes drift down to the ground before Donghyuck quietly breaks the silence between them.

"I heard about Jaem and Yukhei." Donghyuck's voice is laced with worry as he raises his head, eyes filled with concern as he gazes at Jeno. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine." Jeno effortlessly lets the words slip past his tongue. Somehow, he's been repeating that response for so long that they've essentially lost their meaning for him. He doesn't know how he's _fine_ but maybe saying it over and over would eventually make his wish come true.

"Stop lying to me. You know that I've known you for so many years and I can tell if you're not telling the truth."

Jeno curves his lips into a weak smirk, arching a brow at the other male. "I would say that kind of skill is a curse for me."

"Too bad, you've been stuck with me and Jun for so long." Donghyuck falls into a stretch of reticence once again before he peers at Jeno with a frown drawing itself on his features. Jeno has never seen him look so crestfallen and disappointed before.

"Why won't you tell him the truth?"

Jeno bites back the wince, shaking his head. He gently puts down the cup on his side, rubbing a hand down his face. He heaves a shaky sigh as he glances on the floor, toeing at the snow that gathered around their bench.

"You know that isn't easy for me," He pauses, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. "Jaemin looks happier now. I... don't want to ruin that." He blinks hastily, clearing away his vision as the tears started to brim his eyes. They cling to his lashes so he raises a hand to wipe them away, feeling the wetness stick itself to the back of his hand.

"That's not true." Donghyuck replies in a softer tone than Jeno expected. There's a flicker of sadness in his brown eyes before he eventually drops his gaze on the ground as well. "I can still see that Jaemin is in love with you."

Jeno worries his bottom lip between his teeth before one of the corners of his mouth curl up into a saddened smile. "Does it matter? We're not going to work out."

"How do you know that? You haven't even tried to talk to him again about you two." Donghyuck continues to be gentle, his brown eyes filled with an unusual amount of pity for him. Jeno doesn't find it in himself to tell him that he hates that look so, so much.

He turns his attention elsewhere instead, gaze downcast. There's so many words lying on the tip of his tongue, begging to slip by his lips but all he can think about how much love he has for Jaemin. He's willing to sacrifice everything about him, as long as he'll see the bright smile gracing Jaemin's lips. It's painful to admit that but he doesn't want to go back to Jaemin if they will only end up unhappy again. He values Jaemin's happiness and friendship with him over his own feelings bursting in his chest.

"Listen, I don't want to pressure you in getting back together with him but," Donghyuck pauses, averting his gaze to the ground as he kicks some of the snow with his boots. His hands lay on the bench, heaving a deep sigh, "It makes me sad to see you two still so in love and yet, there's something holding you both back from pursuing that kind of happiness. I just want to see you happy."

He musters up a wavering smile, the sigh spilling from his lips sounds exhausted already. "I think I'll be okay."

"Are you sure?"

Jeno wants to say _no_ — he's never been sure of anything when it comes to Jaemin. But with a subtle nod of his head and a smile curving on his lips, he whispers out his answer anyway.

"Yes, I am."

-

Jeno has his head buried in mountains of paperwork when his phone goes off. The shrill ringtone makes his teeth grit in annoyance, the headache creeping in as he hastily tears his gaze away from the papers set out in front of him. He takes a quick glance at the message, brows furrowing at first before his features slowly soften up. His heart falls out of control as he swipes through his phone, pulling up the message.

 **Jaemin [23:18]** hey! i hope i'm not disturbing you  
**Jeno [23:18]** no, it's fine. what's up?  
**Jaemin [23:20]** do you remember that playground we used to hang out when we were in high school?  
**Jaemin [23:21]** i heard that they're going to demolish it soon  
**Jaemin [23:21]** if you're not busy, do you want to come with me and say one last goodbye to our special place?

_Our special place._

Jeno feels his throat close up and the tears well up without him realizing it. His heart beats wildly beneath his chest and he wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole until he's no longer breathing. He doesn't know why it hurts so much when he read those words; the memories slam down faster without warning.

Every memory of them laughing endlessly in that playground — sitting side by side at the swings, chasing each other around under the heat of the afternoon sun, the way Jeno would think that Jaemin looks absolutely breathtaking when he's smiling so hard and his starry eyes light up like no other.

He wants that. He wants all of those. He'll do anything to do those kind of things with him again.

He types out the reply faster than he ever expected, his heart nestling in his throat.

 **Jeno [23:26]** sure, i'd love that.

-

He only slipped into a loose black hoodie, dark hair falling over his eyes as he gazes around the empty sidewalk. It's easy to trace his way back to the playground — the route is burned at the back of his mind due to the countless times he ran with Jaemin all the way to that place, breath leaving his lungs as the adrenaline pumps through his body. Walking his way to the place has left him aching all over but his heart hurts the most. Every step feels like a nostalgic trip back to the past, when they didn't have to worry about heartbreak and hurt because they were together. Nothing could ever break them apart.

Oh, if only they knew.

Even through the night hanging heavily over his head, he can see Jaemin's lone figure sitting by the bench. His legs are stretched out comfortably and his hands are placed on the bench, fingers curled around the edge of it. Jeno quietly walks over to him and his heart drops to his feet when Jaemin senses his presence, turning his head and flashes a sweet smile at his direction.

"You're here," A laugh laces around his words as he gestures for Jeno to take the empty seat beside him. Jeno willingly follows him, plopping right down on the reserved space with his hands tucked in the pockets of his hoodie. He tries not to indulge himself in the warmth radiating from the other, attempting to calm down the erratic beating of his heart in his rib cage.

They stare at the lonely playground, their hearts falling into sync. It's slow and steady beat resonating within their own chests and Jeno wants to trick himself into thinking that he's fine after all. That's he's all right despite the amount of heartache stored up in his chest. But he knows that he would never have the guts to lie — the feelings exploding in his veins are running too fast for him to comprehend any other thought swirling in his head.

"God," Jaemin breathes out, pressing his back against the bench. A nostalgic smile plays on the edges of his mouth before they drop down to curve into a frown instead. "I can't believe they're tearing this place down."

"We had so many memories here." Jeno comments in a soft voice, his sneakers lightly pressing down on the grassy ground. Jaemin elicits a laugh at the sound of his words, nodding his head in agreement before he spares the older male a quick grin.

"Remember when we used to race all the way from our school until here?"

"Loser has to buy the snacks." Jeno recalls the memories with a brief yet genuine smile, a chuckle spilling from his pair.

"And you always lost."

"Hey, I did not! It's hard to run when my body was aching from basketball practice." Jeno huffs, shaking his head before he cracks a smile. Jaemin's eyes light up in happiness, clearly excited that Jeno still remembers their days back in high school — even though those days felt more like a blur now, they both can't deny that light feeling residing in their chests whenever they reminisce about them.

"Our resident basketball star player," Jaemin heaves a sigh as he lifts his legs, perching his feet on the edge of the bench as he wraps his arms around his legs to press his knees against his chest. He lays his cheek on top of his knees as he turns to Jeno, eyes bright under the moonlight pouring over them.

"I felt like I was friends with a celebrity at that time."

"Says the vice president of the student council."

"Hey! Jocks are actually more popular than the student council."

Jeno rolls his eyes at his comment, a snicker leaving his lips. "Really, Jaem? You never noticed the way the girls and boys stared at you whenever we walk along the hallway?" He tilts his head, switching his attention to Jaemin as he unconsciously presses himself close to his side. He doesn't even notice how close they are — if he leaned even more closer, he would see the light blush dusting on Jaemin's cheeks and the hint of a smile on his lips.

"No, I didn't," His voice is low yet his words are loud and clear for Jeno, "I had my eyes on one boy only."

Their gazes lock on each other and they both fall back into the silence — the moment stretches into several heartbeats as Jeno's breath hitches. Even if Jaemin's voice was light when he emitted those words, they still weigh heavily as soon as the meaning strung behind them sinks in deep in Jeno's head. He knows what he means by that.

He has always known that Jaemin has liked him beyond the boundaries of a simple friendship when they were still back in high school. He was aware of the way Jaemin's fingers linger on his shoulder or arm whenever they walk together. He was aware of the way Jaemin would light up at the sight of him, his eyes shining brighter than ever. He was aware of the way Jaemin would drop everything else in this world just to be with him, even if back then, he was thinking that Jeno would never like him back.

Jeno has always known that he liked him too. But he never gathered enough courage to confess until one drunken night during their third year in college — he leaned in and pressed his lips against Jaemin's, stealing both of their breaths away. He was in love with him and his feelings finally exploded that night. In a way, he's grateful that night happened to them; Jeno loved how Jaemin's smile turned brighter when he found out that Jeno loved him back.

Now, Jeno would do anything just to know if Jaemin still loves him the same.

"What happened to us?" Jeno speaks quietly and yet, his voice still cracks. The pain is laced around his words and Jaemin flinches, feeling the hurt run through his veins. His gaze drops to the ground instead as he straightens his posture, keeping his knees pressed against his chest.

"We weren't right for each other, Jeno. That's it." Jaemin is firm and steady with his words, nodding his head with a steely look in his eyes. But Jeno doesn't believe him, not even a little bit.

"You know that's not true," Jeno barks out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. He can feel the tears start to cling to his lashes, forcing him to shut his eyes tight so they won't roll down his cheeks. His breath becomes shaky but that doesn't stop him from continuing to speak. "You can't say that we weren't right for each other. Jaemin, we're perfect for each other. We worked so well as best friends." His voice has morphed into a tone that resembles desperation.

Jaemin's expression hardens, jaw clenching as he tears his gaze from the ground, narrowing his eyes at Jeno. With a flicker, the look in his eyes has gone cold. "That's different, Jeno." He's swift enough to crack, the sadness seeping through his tone and wrapping itself firmly around his words. "Being best friends is different from being boyfriends."

"The only difference is that we didn't fight hard enough to stay with each other."

Jaemin fixates his stare at him, his hardened expression slowly dissolving. It's awful to see the way the light leaves his usually starry eyes as the frown curls on his lips. He doesn't look anywhere near to being furious; he looks beyond broken now. There's a certain amount of sadness hiding in his features and underneath the moonlight, he still looks dull and lifeless.

"What do you think would have happened if we did fight for each other?" Jaemin finally speaks, his voice quiet and calm. Jeno stares at his side profile before he gathers the remnants of courage in his chest, pulling himself closer until their bodies are comfortably pressed up against each other. Just like the old days.

"I think," The dark haired boy lets his eyes flicker over to the vast night sky, silently admiring the stars dotting everywhere before he continues to talk. "We would have gotten through that."

"Really? Even if we fought all the time?"

Their eyes meet and Jeno feels the overwhelming urge to lean in and press his lips against his. Remember the sweet taste of Jaemin's lips and the feeling of his heartstrings getting pulled.

But he doesn't do that. He doesn't do any of that.

He cracks a smile even then, nodding his head as if to confirm his words. "I think so."

There's a rush of emotions passing through Jaemin's eyes, everything was too fast for Jeno to decipher each one. He wants to know what the other male is feeling right now but he can't figure it out — he can't figure out what's on Jaemin's mind unless the other decides to tell his thoughts out loud. He has always been good at hiding his feelings and thoughts, making Jeno wonder what's truly going on with him.

Jaemin musters him a smile but it fades away too quickly, his expression stone cold again. "It doesn't bother now, right? We're over, Jeno. We can't change what already happened to us."

Jeno winces at his words, worrying his rosy lower lip between his teeth. He gazes down on his hoodie, voice filled with a copious amount of weariness and exhaustion. "You don't want to try again?"

"What good would that do?" Jaemin's frown deepens, shaking his head in disbelief. He eyes the other boy with his brown eyes turning dark. "Do you still like me, Jeno?"

"I do."

Once again, Jaemin is rendered speechless. It's certain that he wasn't expecting that kind of response, neither does Jeno. The words just spilled from his lips without too much trouble, smooth and confident. It's as if any doubt and fear that were buried in his chest just burned into nothingness, leaving him with an explosion of courage. As if he's sure of everything right now.

Jeno wonders if he's only forcing himself to be sure now.

Jaemin's face falls and the dark haired male can see the tears brimming in his eyes. They slide down his cheeks, startling Jaemin as he hastily wipes them away with the back of his hand. His eyes flicker over to the playground instead, afraid to look at Jeno directly. He's afraid that Jeno will see all the emotions that he's been trying to keep within himself for so long.

"Jeno, you know that I like someone else."

"You think I don't know that?" Jeno answers without missing a beat, moving away to give enough space to Jaemin. The wind that embraces their figures feel much colder without the warmth shared between their bodies.

"I've been trying to move on for so long, Jaem. Ever since we broke up." It's so difficult to drop those words, even if it's a known fact. It takes everything in Jeno to say them and not break down into tears.

"I'm so tired of going back to bed without you by my side, cuddling me up. I'm so tired of crying every night, wishing that I didn't have a tight hold on my pride because god, the universe knows I would drop everything and beg for you to come back."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jaemin sounds broken, his voice shaking. Jeno shuts his eyes tight, lulling himself into a sense of calmness as he listens to the wind passing through the trees, hoping that his heart would stop its erratic beating once and for all.

"You're happier without me."

Jaemin scoffs at his words, making Jeno flutter his eyes open. He switches his attention to the brown haired male and he finds him with a faraway glint in his dark eyes.

"Why do you think I'm happy without you?"

Jeno's breath hitches, flinching as if the words weigh heavily over his body. He slips his hands back in his pockets, barely able to hold Jaemin's gaze as he stares down on his empty lap instead. He wants to say something, _anything_ at all but he lost his voice; he lost all the words that were swirling in his head a moment ago.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now." Jaemin sports on a look of confusion as his fingers twitch on his lap. His teeth sinks down onto his bottom lip, suppressing a sigh from escaping his mouth. His eyes are downcast, not allowing Jeno to take a glimpse of the emotions hiding in the dark brown specks of his eyes.

"I only want you to be happy," Jeno whispers, voice cracking. He can feel the tears starting to brim his eyes as he blinks rapidly. "Whether it's with me or with someone else."

Jaemin doesn't respond; he only hides his face in his hands. Jeno carefully leans closer before he stops halfway, teeth sinking onto his bottom lip as he pulls away with a deep sigh. He doesn't want to push him too much; he knows that Jaemin would need to process everything that's been said to him. Jeno stands from the bench, feeling strangely cold and hollow, the overwhelming sadness traveling through his veins.

"I'm sorry." He drops his voice into a whisper. Jaemin still keeps his mouth shut, only glancing at the dark haired boy with saddened eyes. He doesn't stop him when Jeno shoots him another broken glance, stepping away and leaving him behind in the bench.

He never would have known the way Jeno broke down into pieces on his way back to his apartment.

It doesn't matter. It's over between them.

-

He's avoiding Jaemin.

It's no surprise — he doesn't know what to say around him. It's already a mistake that he let him know that he's still in love with him after two years of their break up. Jaemin is happy with someone else and he can't get rid of the guilt residing in his chest that he might have ruined a blossoming relationship. Yukhei and Jaemin might not be officially dating yet but from what he has heard, Jaemin seems to be head over heels for him. He didn't want to be the reason why there's a burst of confusion in Jaemin's chest, making him question everything.

But he can't take it back anymore.

He heaves a deep sigh, falling right onto his couch. He sinks right into his seat, pulling his legs up to embrace his knees against his chest with his eyes fixated on the television. There's an afternoon drama droning but Jeno could barely pay attention to the details happening.

He would have fallen asleep sitting like that if it wasn't for the loud ping! coming from his phone. He grunts softly to himself, planting his feet firmly on the floor as he reaches over to the glass coffee table in front of him, snatching up the electronic gadget. The screen lights up, displaying Renjun's name across it. A confused frown curls on his lips as he pulls up their thread of messages, seeing the multiple texts that Renjun sent through.

 **Renjun [16:47]** hey we have that celebration party for the success of the art exhibition that we held  
**Renjun [16:47]** please tell me you're coming tonight

Jeno sits still, head spinning with too many thoughts. He's immensely proud of what Renjun achieved through the art exhibition — really, he is — but he doesn't know if he can stomach the fact that he'll have to see Jaemin tonight. He still hasn't gotten that explosion of courage in his chest and just the thought of facing the younger male is enough to make his fingers twitch in nervousness.

Renjun must have realized his concern because another round of texts pops through.

 **Renjun [16:52]** if you're worried about seeing jaemin, i'll try my hardest to keep you two apart  
**Renjun [16:52]** please? i really want to see you there :(

Jeno feels a pang of guilt upon seeing the last message. His friends shouldn't be suffering solely for the reason of him not being able to face his own problems. Renjun should be peacefully celebrating in the party, not worrying about Jeno and Jaemin crossing paths. If they do see each other, Jeno can steer off to another direction or speak casually to him, dismissing their previous conversation. Or at least, that is what he's hoping for.

 **Jeno [16:54]** don't worry about that, jun.  
**Jeno [16:55]** i'll be there.  
**Renjun [16:57]** thank you!!! i'll text you the address and the time later

The dark haired male promptly drops his phone beside him on the couch as he curls up in his seat. He can feel the pounding headache already starting to seep through as the reminder of seeing Jaemin tonight alarms him. He's nervous and afraid of what might happen; Jaemin isn't someone who causes drama in a public space but he'll take it if the younger boy would want to throw a punch at him. He hasn't been a good friend lately and as Jaemin's closest friend, he should focus on saving their friendship first.

His feelings for him can wait.

Jaemin is more important for him after all.

-

"You're here!" Donghyuck is shockingly the first one who greets him. He raises his voice due to the loud bass coming from the speakers, pushing a glass filled with alcohol in Jeno's hand. "We've been waiting for you!"

Jeno flinches at the loud sounds, shifting from one foot to another. He isn't entirely comfortable with the idea of heading to a club to celebrate the success of the art exhibition but from Renjun and Donghyuck's texts, they seemed awfully excited for the party. So he ends up sealing his mouth shut, flashing a smile at his friend before he takes a sip. The alcohol burns as the liquid slides down his throat but Jeno ignores it too well; the burn sends a wave of adrenaline through his veins, anyway.

"Come on!" Donghyuck circles his fingers around his wrist, dragging him over to Renjun's direction. Renjun is talking to a few of his colleagues but when he spots the other two, he lights up with a bright smile, excusing himself to meet them halfway.

"Jen, you came!" Jeno is thrown off when Renjun wraps his arms around him firmly in a tight embrace. A laugh spills from his lips as he gives him a brief hug, stepping away soon after with cheeks turning red underneath the flashing lights hanging overhead.

"You know I wouldn't miss it for the world. Congrats on the exhibit, by the way."

"Thank you," Renjun gestures to his face, lips stretched into a grin and his starry eyes turning bright. "I honestly can't stop smiling ever since the director wrapped up the exhibit and told us that it was a success. It's amazing that I spent so many late nights working for this."

"You deserve it, Jun. I'm proud of you."

Renjun parts his lips to say more when his face falls for a moment before he fixates a shaky smile on his lips. Jeno becomes curious, giving in as he follows Renjun's line of sight. He freezes in his spot when he sees Jaemin by the bar, dressed up in a white turtleneck and tight jeans, nursing his alcohol quietly. It's strange not to see him mingling with other people and what's even more odd is that Yukhei isn't around — Jeno was expecting to see him around. But no matter how many times he sweeps his gaze around the club, he doesn't find any companion of Jaemin's.

"I guess we should—"

"I'll talk to him." Jeno cuts through Donghyuck's sentence. The other two eye him with concern and worry, brows furrowing together as a frown creases itself on their lips.

Renjun tugs on the edge of his brown coat, eyes wide with worry. "Are you sure?"

"I'll be fine, you guys can go ahead first."

They both hesitate for a stretch of a moment, exchanging quick glances before Renjun drops his guard. His shoulders slump in defeat as he nods his head firmly, flashing a reassuring smile at the younger boy, patting his arm lightly.

"Good luck, Jen." Renjun lets go of him before pulling Donghyuck with him, bursting into a fit of laughter as he allows Donghyuck to drag him to the dance floor. Jeno feels a wave of deja vu at the sight but he dismisses it, shaking his head as he takes reluctant steps to the bar. Jaemin is hunched over the counter, his finger circling around the rim of his glass before a sigh rips itself out his throat.

"Hey," The greeting slips by fast and easy, his voice surprisingly steady. His heart has already stirred out of control when he stepped through the doors of the club but when he locks gazes with Jaemin, his throat goes parched as his heart goes into a whirlwind beneath his chest. They're completely silent as they hold each other's stares, despite the noise echoing around them.

Jaemin is the first one to break the staring contest, lips curved up into a half smile, "Hey."

Jeno gestures to the empty seat right beside him, a hopeful glint passing through the dark specks of his eyes. "Do you mind?"

"No, it's fine. Help yourself." Jaemin flashes a sweet smile at him and Jeno easily takes the confirmation as he props himself up on the stool, facing the bar. He places his half empty glass of alcohol in front of him, a sigh falling from his lips before he lets his gaze drift over to Jaemin.

"It's strange to see you here by yourself."

Jaemin cracks a weak smile at his words. "Yeah, I know. As much as I appreciate Injun for inviting me, I'm not really in the best mood to interact with anyone."

"Even me?" Jeno questions out loud, his tone dripping with mischief. But even if he poses the question playfully, there's a certain heaviness of seriousness weighing behind it. Jaemin steals a glance at him, letting out a snicker afterwards.

"Especially you, idiot."

Jeno would have taken his words seriously if it wasn't for the easy-going smile curved on his lips. He finds himself mirroring the expression quite easily as he turns his attention back to the glass, taking a tentative sip. The burn from the alcohol sliding down his throat gives him a boost of courage to pose the question that's been bothering him.

"Where's Yukhei?"

Jaemin's body tenses up slightly before he eventually relaxes after a heartbeat. He hums softly, taking his time to sip from his drink before he speaks in a gentle tone.

"I broke up with him." He winces at his own words, face scrunching up before he ends up clearing his throat. "I mean, we weren't officially dating so that we both don't really consider that as a relationship."

The dark haired boy blinks rapidly, not quite believing the words that escaped his lips. The guilt swirls around his stomach, a reminder of what his impromptu confession had done — he didn't want this at all. He only wanted to get rid of his feelings but now, it has become a tangled mess. He can't differentiate the emotions rushing through his entire body as of the moment.

"Oh," He ends up saying, biting back the wince that almost slipped by his lips. "I'm sorry. I... I really didn't mean to cause confusion between you two." His response prompts an arched brow from Jaemin before a weak smile curves on his lips.

"Hey, don't worry. It was a mutual decision." Jaemin's teeth sinks right onto his bottom lip, worrying it for a moment before a huff falls from his mouth. "I guess it's my fault too. Yukhei recently got out of a relationship too and I think I might have been too ecstatic about dating someone new when honestly, neither of us were ready."

Jeno doesn't know what to say so he falls silent instead, nervous that he might say the wrong thing. Jaemin takes his quietness as a way to continue speaking, eyes downcast as he keeps his voice loud enough for Jeno to hear him but soft enough that no one else will pay attention to them.

"Jen, I'm sorry."

The apology rattles something deep within Jeno. Out of every thought that passed through his mind, this is the least likely thing he would have said. Jeno can feel his fingers twitch slightly as he blinks, refusing to look directly at Jaemin. He's not afraid of what kind of emotions he might see on Jaemin but he is worried that Jaemin will see right through him.

A muffled sigh leaves Jaemin's lips, the sound dissolving due to the loud bass echoing around them. "I didn't mean to get angry at you. I was just," He falters, glancing down on his own drink with a frown creasing on his lips. "I was just confused. I didn't know what to do."

"That's my fault." Jeno speaks up, effectively cutting off the rest of Jaemin's words. "I shouldn't have confessed. I shouldn't have said anything, god—"

"No, stop." The brown haired male struggles to keep his voice intact and steady, his hand reaching for Jeno's wrist out of impulse. His ice cold fingers wrap themselves around his wrist, startling Jeno as he lets his gaze sweep over to his direction. Jaemin is staring at him, a rush of conflicted emotions slipping by his dark eyes before his shoulders drop.

"If you didn't say anything, I would have pushed through with that relationship." He pauses, clearing his throat, dropping his voice into a saddened tone. "I would have been unhappy with someone else."

Jeno stays still, not knowing what else to say. He's rendered speechless by the confession prompted to him, his throat closing up and preventing the words from dragging themselves past his lips.

The younger boy hesitantly drops his fingers around his wrist, letting his hands settle back on the bar. He turns to his drink again, refusing to let his eyes flicker back to Jeno. They fall into a heavy silence — there's so many words hanging over them and yet, they don't know what to say now. They're afraid that they might slip and mess up their already rocky relationship. They could easily forget that any of this even happened but Jeno is already burdened with the emotions burying themselves in the spaces of his rib cage.

With a deep breath, he starts speaking again, eyes steady on the drink, "Hey, Jaemin, do you want to head back to the playground?"

Jaemin spares him an odd look, arching a brow at him. Jeno confidently meets his stare with a hint of a smile on his visage. He takes one last sip from his drink before he quietly pushes the empty glass away, turning to face the other boy.

"We didn't really say our one last goodbye to that place the last time we went there. Do you want to say a real goodbye this time?"

There's a nostalgic smile that curls on Jaemin's lips as he downs the rest of drink. He nods his head, hopping off the stool before he turns on his heel to face Jeno with a lingering grin.

"Okay, let's go."

-

The wind that circles around them is freezing so Jeno unknowingly steps closer to Jaemin. He has his hands tucked on the pockets of his coat while Jaemin keeps his hands at his sides, swinging them slightly. They don't say anything to each other due to the fear of ruining the peaceful atmosphere that descended over them. They're walking over to the playground to say one last goodbye.

Nothing else.

When they stepped into the familiar territory, a relieved sigh falls from their lips. The playground looks abandoned yet intact, exactly the same place that they loved going to when they were still in high school. Jeno can't wrap his head around the fact that they're going to demolish it; this place feels like home already. If it's gone, it'll feel like one of his treasured memories would be destroyed along with it.

Jeno follows him all over to the swing set, his eyes lighting up at the sight of it. Out of everything set in the playground, this is the place that he loves hanging out in. Maybe it's because the way he kicks his legs and the swing brings him a little closer to the sky, the wind sending a refreshing breeze to him. He adores the way Jaemin would abandon the slide just to stay right beside him, occupying the other swing with a bright smile.

To his surprise, Jaemin does the same thing that he's been doing since their high school days — he takes the swing on the right without a word, slipping easily on the seat. He tugs lightly on the chains as Jeno settles quietly on the other swing, glancing up at the vast night sky spread out at the top. After the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that's been happening to him, this moment feels utmost peaceful.

He feels like he's back in high school again. No worries about heartbreak. Just him and Jaemin.

"This feels nice." Jaemin lightly moves his legs, making the swing propel back and forth. Jeno tears his gaze away from the sky, letting his eyes drop to the brown haired male with a small smile gracing his mouth.

"It is," He whispers, voice barely inaudible. He lets his eyes drift over to his empty lap. He grips the chains with his hands, kicking his legs to move the swing back and forth very lightly. The silence hangs over them again but this time, it feels comfortable and Jeno has never felt so at before.

Jaemin breaks the quietness with his voice drawing out as a murmur. "Shouldn't we talk about what happened to us?"

The dark haired male feels his body tense up, his blood freezing in his veins. He keeps his stare on his lap, teeth sinking right onto his bottom lip as he tries to string his thoughts into a coherent trail. The reticence echoes again but Jeno breaks it apart with a deep, shaky exhale pulling itself past his pair.

"Jaemin, I'm sorry."

With an arched brow, the brown haired boy flickers his gaze over to him, his dark eyes are brightly lit due to the moonlight pouring over them. A look of genuine confusion passes through his visage, his head tilting to the side. He patiently waits as Jeno gathers his thoughts again, taking in a deep breath to compose himself.

"I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. You've done nothing but make me so happy for the past years and all I did is break you over and over again," Jeno can feel his voice waver but he pushes in, not wanting to stop himself from talking, "When I confessed to you, I wasn't thinking about what you would feel. I only wanted to get rid of my feelings by confessing but instead, my emotions exploded for you. You got hurt and it's all my fault."

"Jeno—"

"No, let me finish," Jeno feels his hands shaking so he tightens his hold around the chain, feeling the metal dig against his palm. His eyes fall shut, surrounding himself with the darkness as he digs through the thoughts echoing in his head.

"Right after I confessed, I just ran away without another word and avoided you. I was an idiot for confessing yet refusing to deal with the consequences. I've been nothing but a bad friend to you and I'm sorry. I really am."

Jeno expected the silence to stretch for so long but the rustle of the chains disrupts it. Jaemin rises from his swing, taking slow and hesitant steps over to his direction before he eventually ends up standing in front of him. They hold each other's gazes before the brown haired male cracks a sweet smile at him.

"Our third year in high school." Jaemin falters, teeth catching briefly onto his bottom lip. The dark haired boy spares him a glance of puzzlement, an eyebrow shooting up in curiosity.

"It was our mid-terms week. You were busy studying up late at night when you got a call from someone, asking you to head to the playground almost nearing midnight." Jaemin has a faraway look in his brown eyes, his stare fixated on the rest of the attractions in the playground. "You could have ignored it and studied but you dropped everything to rush over here, just to comfort someone."

Jeno feels his throat go dry, the words leaving his lips. He remembers that memory so vividly, as if it only happened yesterday. Every detail of that memory — the way he almost slipped on his way out of the house, the cold wind wrapped tightly around him despite the jacket he was wearing. The way he felt the breath was stolen from his lungs, his body aching due to the way he kept running but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything else until he got to the playground.

He only cared about getting to Jaemin as fast as possible.

The younger male has a bittersweet smile written across his features as he digs his toes on the ground, a sigh escaping. "I couldn't forget that. We weren't that close yet but you were the only one I could think of calling when I felt like everything was going to collapse around me. You didn't care about the fact that we barely talked at that time or that you didn't know anything new about me — you just held me for as long as I cried in your arms."

Everything seems to have fallen into complete silence — the stillness is unnerving but for some reason, Jeno didn't realize it at all. He's too busy gazing at Jaemin with teary eyes, teeth sinking down hard onto his lower lip so the sob doesn't slip past his lips.

"You were never a bad friend to me, Jeno." Jaemin's voice is quiet as he finally tears his eyes away from the slide to look at Jeno directly, a saddened smile playing on the edges of his mouth. "You always talk about how lucky you are to have me but honestly, I feel like I'm luckier to have you. Whether as my friend or as my boyfriend, you were there for me. We had our differences but you didn't care because you were willing to put them aside to make us work."

Jaemin's voice falters again but Jeno does manage to catch the soft words that slip by his lips before the quietness took over.

"I'm still in love with you after everything that happened to us."

Jeno isn't sure what's happening to him — all he knows is that there's a rush of emotions in his veins, a burst of feelings in his chest. His head spins as he abruptly stands from the seat of the swing, closing the distance between them. His hands reach out to cup Jaemin's cheeks delicately, their lips crashing against each other.

He lost himself after that.

It's been so long, _too_ long since Jeno held him like this — this bodies comfortably pressed up against each other, fingers cupping Jaemin's cheeks as he kisses him softly. Jaemin is stunned at the gesture before he eventually melts, his arms looping around Jeno's frame to draw him closer. Jeno is in love with the way they fit so well together; he's in love with the way Jaemin easily fell in his arms, as if out of habit. As if Jeno is his home.

Jaemin is the first one to break the kiss, cheeks burning as he pulls away. But the smile lingers on his lips as he wraps his arms around Jeno's neck whilst the older boy lets his hands settle around his waist. A laugh bubbles from the brown haired boy, a sweet and mellifluous sound that makes Jeno's heart flutter beneath his rib cage.

"I missed that," His starry eyes are so bright as he lays his forehead against Jeno's, lips stretched into a smile. "I missed us so much." He looks beyond elated and Jeno melts at the realization that he makes Jaemin happy.

So, _so_ happy.

"We're a mess," Jaemin murmurs, his thumb reaching out to brush against Jeno's bottom lip. He leans in to press a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth before he moves away just enough to flash a wide smile at him, "But we'll make us work, right?"

Jeno feels his heart explode in his chest — his emotions rushing through his veins everywhere. A chortle escapes his lips as he nods his head with a reassuring smile, leaning in to press a lingering kiss on his lips.

"We will."

-

Jeno steps right into the apartment, shoulders slumped. He steals a glance at his wristwatch, a frown creasing on his mouth. It's later than he expected and he's worried that Jaemin has already fallen asleep.

But when he steps into the living room, his eyes light up at the sight of his boyfriend peacefully laying on the couch, half-asleep. He cautiously approaches him and drops his bag at the table, sitting the little space on the edge of the couch. His fingers brush against the fringe hanging over Jaemin's eyes, moving the strands away before he leans over to press a gentle kiss on his forehead.

Jaemin's eyes flutter open, blinking hastily to clear his vision as he stares at Jeno. After several heartbeats, he relaxes upon realizing it's his boyfriend, his fingers circling around the front of his button up shirt. He pulls on it abruptly, making Jeno let out a surprised yelp as he stumbles right into the couch, Jaemin's arms wrapping tightly around him to cushion his fall.

"Sorry, I missed you." Jaemin curls his lips into a sleepy smile as Jeno fixes his position with a huff, facing his boyfriend. He wraps his arms around his frame, letting Jaemin rest his head against his shoulder comfortably with their legs tangled. "Did you get home just now?"

Jeno hums in response, fingers running through his brown strands. He leans down to brush his lips against the top of his head to leave a kiss, smiling brightly afterwards. "Mm, work was rough. But at least, I get to cuddle you up now."

"Well, aren't you lucky?" Jaemin teasingly mumbles against his skin, dropping a kiss on his shoulder before he snuggles even closer, in search for his warmth. Jeno welcomes him without hesitation, holding him delicately in his embrace.

"So lucky."

The brown haired male only elicits another hum before he hikes a leg around his waist. He glances up at Jeno with a sleepy smile, kissing the tip of his nose lightly.

"Let's go to sleep."

"Here? But it's cramped."

"But you're warm." Jaemin mumbles, already on the verge of falling back to sleep. "You can carry me later to bed, that is, if you don't fall asleep later."

"Okay, fine. Anything for you." A contented sigh falls from Jeno's lips as Jaemin's breathing slowly goes steady — he could easily detect the pattern of the way his chest rises and falls. He thinks that Jaemin has finally fallen deep in his sleep so he leans over, lips pressed against his forehead for a gentle kiss.

"I love you, Jaem."

He never expected a response from the other boy but still, his heart flutters wildly when Jaemin very softly whispers his words against his skin, a smile drawn on his lips.

Jeno thinks that it will always be worth it to fall in love with him all over again.

"I love you too, Jeno."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! talk to me in [twitter.](http://twitter.com/jenosaints)


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